Thursday, January 13, 2011

This Must Be What Labor Feels Like!


Have any of you ever thrown your back out? I mean really thrown it out? Well, let me tell you, it ain't no picnic, sister! Let me paint a picture for those of you who've never felt this particular pain. Think of the pointiest metal thing you can imagine...spear, javelin, fireplace poker, whatever. Now imagine live jumper cables attached to said pointy metal object. Finally, imagine jabbing it into your left (or right) butt cheek with all the force you can muster. Now you're starting to get it.

It happened Sunday at a friend's house. I was minding my own business and went to go sit on her couch (yes, I threw my back out by sitting. You can stop sniggering now) and BAM! Or rather it was more like a 'poof'. I didn't realize her couch was as low as it was and kinda fell onto it. Didn't think anything of it at the time but about a half hour later I felt the first twinge, more discomfort than pain really. Still didn't think anything of it. The next morning I was sore, eh...no big deal. Then by Monday evening I was in real pain. Tuesday...forget about it! I couldn't even get out of bed. So I languished. At least until 1:30 or 2 in the afternoon when I just got plain tired of being laid up in bed. I thought to myself, "Self, suck it up! It can't be that bad." In the history of me being wrong, this was the wrongest! I got out of bed (it took at least 5 minutes to just get my bum off the darn bed) gathered my phone, robe and book, figured out a way to get Bubby off the bed without bending over or dropping him (he's too scared to jump down by himself, of course) and headed into the living room.

I have this awesome, comfy wingback chair and a little ottoman that I like to sit in so I headed to it. I gingerly eased my (ahem) bulk onto the chair and instantly felt the electric spear from hell. I must tell you at this point that I normally like to think of myself as having a high threshold for pain but, really, I shamed myself and totally screamed (and cried a little - ok, a lot). I tried to lean onto my right but it didn't help. So I ended up rolling off the chair onto the floor on my hands and knees with my little ottoman under my torso.

That's when I thought it, "This must be what labor feels like" if you were to give birth out of your left butt cheek. My next and most embarrassing thought was, "Dear God, I've fallen and I can't get up!" Which, of course made me laugh (more pain) then finally I flashed onto the episode of Sex and the City where Miranda, fresh out of the shower throws her back (or neck, I can't remember) out and is laying face down butt naked on the floor. She, of course, calls Carrie who sends over her beau, Aiden to help, not knowing that Miranda is naked. And hilarity ensues.

Well, there I was pulling a Miranda on my living room floor. Only two things were different 1) I, thank God, was fully clothed and b) I have about 1000 pounds on her. There was no way I was calling anybody to help me up off my own floor. So, I set my jaw, pulled my feet up under me and got up with, miracle of all miracles, barely any pain. At least until I got fully upright and tried to walk away.

Now, I've been in bed the last two days and am on the mend. Ibuprofen has helped immensely!

So, the moral? If/when you throw your back out you'll get all kinds of people telling you that bed rest is the best thing for it. Listen to them cuz THEY AIN'T LYING!!!


P.S. Before you ask, yes, everything, every situation in life reminds me of a movie or tv show I've seen. It's an annoying but usually amusing habit that I usually try and keep to myself.

1 comment:

creative-type dad said...

Ouch! Hope you're better.

About a year ago, I woke up, stretched, and pulled a muscle on my calf.

Who knew waking up was so dangerous....